IDIOTƧ
by Trevaacin
Summary: When a mysterious organization unleashes a weapon capable of destroying logic itself, it's up to nine less than ordinary citizens to save the day. God help us all.


**I got bored and decided to convert an old, chaotic story from a year ago into text form to add on this site. Be warned, this will probably destroy more than a few brain cells if you try to understand it, and is basically the reason why 9 people should not try to write a story at once. It's old, and riddled with bad jokes, and this is just a small portion of what is in fact a long journey. Credit goes to Christian for the artwork, and Ben for helping out with parts of this. Not saying who I am, that ruins the fun.**

 **Without further ado, I present…**

 **a really dumb show…**

* * *

 **IDIOTƧ**

 **Episode 1: Dave Hungers**

 _New York City, 2015_

A group of young employees rushed through the streets of Manhattan, suitcases in hand and their clothes in a mess, a look of panic in their eyes.

"CRAP! WE'RE FIVE MINUTES LATE! COME ON!" one of the shorter ones, a guy named Ben, exclaimed.

"I told you we were going to be late!" responded one of the others, Austin, a man with khakis and unkempt brown hair.

"When did you say that?" Shouted Jake, the person in front of the group at the moment.

"Literally two minutes ago!" was Austin's immediate response, rolling his eyes. None of them were known for their intelligence, but Jake was supposed to be the smart one in the group.

"No, you mean two Isaac years ago!" called out the tallest member of the group, a guy with short brown hair, almost a buzz cut, and the only one wearing glasses. He was the only one who apparently hadn't caught on to the fact they were rushing.

"SHUT UP, ISAAC" everyone else yelled in unison.

Christian, the only black guy in the group, because reasons, chose this moment to speak up, "You know, we could've just drove to the building or hitched a cab!"

"You know we're basically broke!" Jake replied, "I barely have money to buy coffee."

With this he held up a cup of coffee and stumbled onto the sidewalk, causing the cup to fall onto Maddy, the only girl in the odd bunch, seeping through her clothes.

"AH! IT BURNS!" Maddy cried out, instantly in pain.

"Well, there goes my three bucks," Jake said bluntly.

Suddenly Ben pointed ahead, "There's the building, COME ON!"

The group ran into a large building. Their jobs didn't pay much but they had to admit, the company itself was cool. They worked as writers for a publishing company, waiting for their big break. The group ran through the halls and towards the elevators, Isaac stopping at a vending machine.

Ben turned to him, "ISAAC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!"

Isaac looked back, completely oblivious to the rush of the situation. "Hang on! I want my munchies!"

Gavin, the only blonde in the group of unaccomplished authors, ran over and picked Isaac up in his arms, shouting, "GET OVER HERE JUSTICE, WE GOTTA GO!"

The group finally reached the elevators, only to notice the out of order sign on it.

Sebastian, a guy nearly identical to Austin, save for his slightly shorter hair, cursed, "! $#%! STAIRS!"

The group quickly dashed to the stairs, Isaac getting tired easily and falling to the ground.

"Go on without me! I'm a goner!" said Isaac, laying on the ground dramatically.

Christian just looked at him, "Isaac, you're literally on the final step."

"Like I said, I'm a goner! I told you I need my munchies!"

Gavin and Ben dragged Isaac up and and the group dashed through the office building, remembering that they had a meeting today. The group ran as fast as possible until they crashed into the office, falling on the ground dramatically.

"...Isaac" moaned Christian.

"Yeah"

"Please tell me that's your arm"

"Nope, that's my taco."

"That better not be some messed up innuendo," said Gavin, lying behind them.

"Boys," a voice said from above them.

The group looked up to see their boss, Nick Murphy, looking down at them in anger, their co-workers sitting at the table in the office.

"You're late"

Isaac looked up, still clueless to how serious he was, "Well in Isaac years, we're…"

" _You're late"_

"...I'm late" Isaac gulped.

"Look, Nick, we're really sorry, it won't happen again," pleaded Christian.

Nick had heard this too many times before, "That's what you said last time."

Ben raised up his arms in defeat, "Well, in our defense… Jake, create a defense."

"Don't put this on me!"

"SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!" shouted Nick, thoroughly fed up with their antics.

The group quickly dashed to their chairs, ready for the meeting. Their co-workers Julia, Danny, and Olivia listened closely to Nick's discussion. Their other co-worker, Marissa, was busy on her phone.

Nick sat at the head of the table, finally ready to address the reason for their meeting.

"Now, as you all may know, our company hasn't been successful recently due to certain people not doing their jobs."

Gavin apparently had something to say to this statement, "For the record, we had important personal stuff to do."

"...Such as?"

"...Dragonball marathon?"

"...As I was saying, we need more stories flowing in so come on. What ideas we got?"

"What if we did a story about a small country girl in the city?" suggested Julia.

"We've seen that!"

"A girl with special powers!" called out Ben.

"The teenage demographic isn't interested in that junk anymore."

"Sir, I have an idea," said Christian after a slight pause.

"...Go on"

"Imagine a group, a group of nobodies, wishing that they could be better! Wishing that they could do something incredible! And when the world is in danger, it's up to this group of weirdos and freaks to save the day! Maybe get the job! Get the girl! In the end, they're victorious!"

Nick stood there in tranquil fury and suddenly hit the table.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY I HIRED YOU BUT I KNOW IT WASN'T FOR HALF $$ED IDEAS LIKE THAT!"

Christian cringed in fear, frightened by Nick, who slowly composed himself.

"JUST… write a story please, for the sake of your job."

The boss quickly walked out of the room, leaving the others to get back to their offices. The group sat at their cubicles, surprisingly bored.

Gavin sighed, "Four years of studying for this."

Ben groaned, "To have to work in these small cubicles for two-#$ ing-fifty an hour."

"Working for a demon in a tacky suit," Isaac grinned at his joke, "heh heh, tacky suit"

Jake looked to his friend, "Y'know, Christian, it's not lost on me about what you said in there. About a group of losers or whatever."

"Yeah," said Isaac, "I mean Marissa and Danny are losers but jeez, don't use them for inspiration."

"It was about us, Jackass!" Gavin half yelled at him.

"Oh."

Christian sighed, "I mean..come on, you guys. We signed up for this job 'cuz we thought that this would be our big break as writers. We thought that we could do something with our lives. Now, look at us. Here we are, stuck in this boring place where nothing happens. Where you expect the expected and everything is just so...bland. I wanna do something with my life. I wanna be more than….some Idiot."

Christian looked up to see most of the group asleep in their cubicles. Christian quickly pulled out an air horn from his suitcase and blared it.

The (formerly) sleeping employees shot up, alarmed "AAAAAAH!"

"YOU RUINED MY OSCAR MOMENT!"

"More like a razzie moment." retorted Danny.

Bored, Christian looked around and noticed something gleaming in the window. He squints his eyes and gasps.

"Uh, guys?"

Quite suddenly, multiple red dots lit up the area.

"GET DOWN," shouted Gavin, diving for cover.

The entire group jump down and duck under their desks, except for Isaac, who stands on his and dances.

"Well, geez, Gav. If you wanted to dance, you could've just said so." said Isaac, who then proceeds to begin singing, "Get down on it. Get down on it."

Out of the blue, a bullet hit the laptop next to Isaac

"HOLY-"

Isaac quickly ducked down as a plethora of bullets ripped through the office, destroying the desks and whoever was there. A few of the other writers were shot and killed while the main group was safely hidden under their desks.

Ben and Gavin shouted in unison, alarm evident in their voices, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"

Isaac looked around, still completely calm, "You know it could be worse…", before Maddie interjected "How! How could it be worse?", shocked Isaac was still so calm. "How are you so calm about this, you could've been killed!

"Heh, I'm already dead on the inside."

Suddenly, a grenade flew through the broken window and landed near the desk.

"GRENADE!" Shouted Gavin as he attempted to take cover under his desk.

"Exactly Gavin, a grenade would be wor-"

A bright light flashed through the office, causing the entire building to ripple. It wasn't like a normal explosion, but it was almost as if time and space itself was torn apart. As if something was taken from the world..something like...logic.

"Ow! What the?!"

Isaac's eardrums started ringing from the explosion, and as he looked around, he saw Sebastian, unconscious and under a desk with Austin trying to pull him out.

"Can you help me, Isaac?" Austin exclaimed. As Isaac walked over to help, he saw Jake wobbling around in a dizzy manner, falling flat on his face.

He saw Maddy with a broken leg, struggling to get up as she looked around in a frightened manner, saying in a muffled voice, "W..Gavin..Where...Gav?"

Disoriented, Isaac looked around to see a weird blast emitting from the building, something spreading across the world. Something...weird. Above him, Isaac saw odd, random objects pop out from the sky, falling to the ground next to them. A few guns landed next to the group, some axes and swords as well.

By this point Austin was beyond confused by the sudden insanity, "WHAT'S HAPPENING?! ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!"

"What? Seeing whaaaaaaa?!" Isaac replied, trailing off towards the end as his vision began to flash. He looked around and saw a multitude of things. There were memes surrounding him, every silly pun and odd dank meme possible. He laughed, the weirdness flowing into his brain when suddenly, a light flashed. A name was proclaimed through the chaos of it all.

"HELIX!"

Startled, Isaac cried out, "AHHH! WHAT THE?!"

Ben was standing over him, as he had fallen on the ground during the whole ordeal, "ISAAC! GET UP!"

Suddenly, a bunch of men in dark clothing crashed through the building windows, weapons in hand. In fear of being killed, the group jumped to the floor and played dead, hiding themselves under the rubble.

One of the soldiers turned to the others, "Search the perimeters. No survivors except for the target."

As if on cue, Nick ran down the stairs and looked around what used to be his office.

"WHAT THE BET?" he shouted in shock, before quickly being tazed and grabbed by the soldiers.

At this, the soldier who had spoken earlier gave a second order to the others, "Take him to the truck and search the area. The boss is gonna want this place"

Still under the desks, Christian whispered to the others still taking cover, "Nobody move a muscle."

The soldier walked closer and closer to the group, gun ready. He stepped right above where Sebastian and Austin are, his rifle edging closer and closer to them.

Suddenly, Isaac's phone rang. He picked up, even though the guard clearly saw him.

"Yello?...Oh, hey! How are you, ma'?...I'm good, eating my tacos and everything."

The soldier leveled his gun to point at Isaac, "HALT!"

Suddenly, Maddy darted out and picked up one of the random gun lying on the ground, wasting the soldier. She turned, lighting up the other ones still in the building.

Jake stared at her, shocked by the recent turn of events, "How did you-?"

Maddy looked back at him, suddenly just as confused as he was, "I...I don't know. I ..feel like I can..understand these..weapons."

Suddenly, an entire armada of soldiers crashed into the building while firing at the group.

"GET DOWN!" shouted Jake, while picking up a gun himself and firing it at the soldiers.

One of the soldiers took aim at the group, only to be knocked out by Ben from behind, who then proceeded to shout, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE BEN INQUISITION!"

"How did you even get over there?" shouted a still very confused Jake.

Austin, meanwhile, was having a mental breakdown, "What the hell is happening?! I wanna go home!"

Suddenly, a parachute landed next to him, and, seizing the opportunity, he quickly grabbed it.

"Well, whatddya know! SEE YA', SUCKERS!"

He jumped out the window, screaming, "WHERE'S THE CHUTE, THIS IS AN ORDINARY BACKPACK!"

The group ran to the window, scared for their friend, only to see that Austin was...gone. No body on the sidewalk, not floating through the air, just...gone.

"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!" shouted Julia.

"COME ON! WE HAVE TO GO!" Danny shouted back as they began to turn from the window and sprint for a way out.

The group dashed for the exit, weapons in hand. A group of soldiers were on the stairs waiting for them. The writers halted, preparing for death, when suddenly, it felt as though something inside of them switched on. They were able to use their weapons without any prior knowledge of weaponry. They took down their enemies and ran out of the building, afraid and even more confused than before, if that was still possible.

Sebastian took a look around them, "Well, my mind has officially melted."

Olivia was in a mixture of excitement and shock, "How were we able to do that?! I used a katana! Ben teleported, I think! Wha-WHAT'S HAPPENING!?"

Suddenly, they saw a bunch of black cars driving over to the building, the drivers holding weapons in hand. Noticing this, the group ran to Danny's car, piled into it and drove off, the black cars not even noticing them.

* * *

 _5 hours later, Danny's apartment._

Jake addressed the rest of them as they sat in a circle, "This is crazy! Gavin and Austin are gone! Nick's been kidnapped! The entire office has been taken over! This is insane! How does this even happen?"

"Not to mention Isaac and Ben seeing memes and #$ everywhere," added Sebastian.

"How is this even possible?" asked Julia.

"Who cares!" shouted Christian, "We gotta get back over there!"

Everyone looked at him, "WHAT?"

"We need to save Nick and get back the office!"

"Um, I thought he was the smart one?" asked Ben to the rest of the group.

Sebastian put his head in his hands, "It's days like this when I miss Joey."

Jake looked at Christian, "Christian, why would we go back and risk our lives for our jerk boss?!"

"Because," replied Christian, "Like it or not, we're a team. As much as we hate him, he would do the same for u-okay that's a lie, but we have to! Now who's with me?!"

The group stared at him in bored silence.

"If we don't do this, we won't get paid."

Everyone pumped their fists in the air, motivated by the only reason they cared for their boss, "YAY!"

* * *

 _Five hours of planning later…_

The ragtag group of writers stood in front of the prison their boss was being held in, with Christian at the head.

He turned back to face them, "Alright, so does everyone remember the plan?"

Jake was the first to respond, "Of course. We bust in, get Nick out of there, and have a cool dance party afterwards."

Ben looked at him, a gleam in his eyes, "There's a dance party?"

Christian turned back to Jake, confused, "I don't remember ever discussing a dance party."

Now it was Jake's turn to be confused, "Wait,so there's no dance party?"

"Well I didn't say that."

Ben cracked his knuckles and looked at the building, "Okay, let's do this!"

The whole group cheered. Guards stood outside of the building as group walked side-by-side epically.

Julia looked to the others, "Do we have to do this?"

"Not at all!" responded Christian, "Charge!"

The group charges towards the building, ready to save their comrade. Then the guard pulled out a gun.

They stopped immediately and panicked, crying in unison, "AAAAHHH! AHHH! HE'S GOT A GUN! AHHHHHHH!", and then, without a moment's hesitation, ran away like a bunch of cowards.

* * *

 _Later…_

The band of writers was huddled together once more.

Sebastian was the first to speak up, "You didn't think that they may have a gun?!"

Christian didn't see what he was so angry about, "How could anyone expect that to happen?!"

"Are you telling me that you expected them to surrender just because we charged at them? They even had guns the last time we fought!. What type of plan is that?!" Jake practically shouted.

"A brilliant one!"

Olivia sighed, "Look, we gotta stop arguing and figure out a way to get back the building."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?"

Isaac smacked his fist into his palm, "Alright, what if we built a giant horse, sit outside of the building, and then pop out of it, surprising them! They'll never see it coming!"

"Nah, too trojan."

Julia raised her hand to get their attention, "What if we got a bunch of eggs and threw them at the guards?"

"Nah, too stupid."

Jake looked around at the others gathered around him, "Uhh… what if we just got weapons.?"

The group cracked up at this, some of them falling on the ground in laughter. It was just too crazy!

Christian spoke up, "Okay, Jake, enough fooling around. We need to think logically. Wait, what if we just got weapons?"

The group looked at him, their faces lighting up, "Oh, wow. That's a great idea! That's perfect! Ingenious!" while Jake facepalmed in frustration.

The group prepared armor, weaponry, and gadgets for the invasion. Jake loads up his machine gun. Sebastian gave Christian a sword, Marissa continued to play on her phone, Julia held a grenade, and Isaac and Ben prepared an armada of pokeballs. Christian walked behind them and slapped them over the head. Olivia brandished a giant ax in the air, while Danny put on Spartan armor and drew a beard on his face.

Christian turned back to his assembled co-workers, "Okay group, we move out tomorrow."

The group looked at him in confusion.

"But we're ready now," protested Jake.

"No, no, we need to rest for tomorrow we shall take back what is ours and-!"

"We could just take it back today!"

"….We must prepare ourselves for the hardships to follow-!"

"We're already prepared."

"...We need to get ready for the coming wa-"

"Now you're just being redundant."

"Character development! We're doing this for character development!"

This managed to get the interest of the others, "Ohhh!" they said in wonder.

* * *

 _Later that night..._

In his room, Sebastian was worriedly pacing back and forth around his bed in fear. Christian walked in.

Sebastian turned his head to address Christian, "Are the guys prepared?"

"I don't really think "prepared" is the best way to describe them," replied Christian.

He pointed out the snoring heap that was Isaac sleeping on the bed next them, lying unconscious with a taco clutched in one hand and a pop tart in the other.

Christian looked back at Sebastian, "You know, Sebastian, it would really help us if you…"

Sebastian finished for him, "You want me to summon him."

"I know that it's not easy…"

"Easy?! There's no easiness! It's just hardship after hardship in constant agony!"

"But there's no other way. The amount of people guarding that building… it's over 9000!"

At this last statement, Ben burst through the door, shouting, "Over 9000? That's impossible."

Sebastian facepalmed, "You were just waiting for the moment to do something like this, weren't you?"

He went unheard as Isaac suddenly bolted upright, having been awakened by Ben's recent outburst, "There's no way there could be that many! Your scouter must be broken! And that isn't even it's final form!"

Christian stared at his two friends, "What are you talking about?! And what in the world is a scouter? Are you two alright?"

He then dragged Isaac and Ben back through the door, who were still referencing random internet memes as they left.

Jake looked down, "Good god, we're all going to die."

Isaac called out from the other room where Christian had left him, "One does not simply walk into that prison."

"Okay!" shouted Ben, before quickly breaking free of Christian's hold and dashing into the prison.

Christian gave chase. The sound of gunshots suddenly filled the air, and they returned to the room, panting.

"HOLY CRAP!" shouted Ben, "HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE SHOOTING AT US!"

"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!" Christian snapped back at him, "WE'RE BREAKING INTO A COMPANY BUILDING, NOT A LEGOLAND!"

Sebastian sat in the corner, having watched the whole thing play out, "Such bullets, very fails, much wow."

Jake looked around, "Guys stop joking around, this is a very serious mission. Nick is suffering in there right now and we need to save him, so get some sleep for the attack tomorrow."

Meanwhile, Nick was playing videogames in a hot tub under the prison.

Suddenly, Jake remembered something else, "Oh, and there's also a nuke under the prison."

Danny raised his hand.

"Yes Danny?" Jake asked.

"Don't you need a 25 kill streak to use one of those?"

"Yeah!" Agreed Ben, "All I have to do is MLG quickscope them while drinking my Mountain Dew and we'll be fine!"

"THIS IS REAL LIFE!" Shouted Jake, growing annoyed by the constant stupidity he was surrounded with.

"And this weed I'm smoking is too! So is Mountain Dew!"

"Wait a minute…" interjected Isaac, "weed has seven leaves. Mountain Dew is two words. 7-2=5. The letter M is just two Ns. 5-2=3 Mountain Dew is the opposite of a desert. Where are there deserts? Egypt. Egypt is full of pyramids. Israel's flag is two pyramids on top of each other. Those pyramids form a star. How do you see stars? With your eyes. Eye has three letters. Three has five letters. Five has four letters. 5-4=1. There is a pyramid on the one dollar bill. The dollar bill is minted in America. America was founded in 1776. The Illuminati was founded in 1776. Illuminati confirmed!"

Jake took off Isaac's glasses, and chucked them at his face. Isaac dodged them, only to smack his head into a wall and fall onto the floor.

Christian grabbed Sebastian by the arm, shaking him, "Do you see now Sebastian, if you don't summon him we'll never succeed. Everyone here is too stupid to accomplish anything."

Isaac perked up from the floor, "Is it Half Life 3 you're summoning?"

Sebastian stared at him, his rage gradually building until it exploded, "THAT'S IT, I'M SUMMONING SATAN!"

Tapping a staff no one noticed earlier onto the ground, Sebastian shouted a few odd words before producing a cloud of smoke. Out of the smoke an old man and an old lady emerged, known only to the assembled idiots as Ms. Hannah and Mr. Hell.

The man looked around, "Hello… what was I doing again?"

Ah, the wonders of short term memory loss, neither of them realized they'd been summoned halfway across the world in a single moment.

"RUN! IT'S MR. HELL!" shouted Sebastian, before he and Ben ran out of the room screaming.

Ms. Hannah, remembering the days when she had been the teacher of the two, gave chase, "Get back here, Ben! You get negative points for running! NEGATIVE POINTSSSSS!"

An old man in a wheelchair, who Sebastian had accidentally brought from the next world in his attempt to summon satan, looked in horror upon the situation.

"Oh no!" Shouted FDR, "My only fear, fear itself!" before rolling away in terror.

Sebastian sighed, "Can we just get rid of them before me move on?"

"I guess…" said Isaac.

Just then, a talonflame swooped down and carried Mr. Hell off, outspeeding the sun into the horizon.

Jake watched it leave, "I'm not even going to question how that happened."

Christian, remembering that Ben was gone, asked, "Should we go and look for Ben?",

Not a moment later, Isaac responded, with a look on his face that can only be described as Bidoof-ish, "What's a Ben?"

Christian sighed, and then muttered to himself, "Why do I even try anymore?", before almost screaming at Isaac, "You've known him since elementary school!"

The moment after Christian finished his sentence, an old man walked up to them and said, "Is it a boy or is it a girl?"

Christian's eyes widened, "Wait, is that professor Oak? How?"

Jake looked in amazement as the old professor came out of nowhere, and uttered, "Where do all these random people keep coming from?"

Isaac shrugged, "Oh, Sebastian's just summoning random people. I'm not sure if he's still trying to summon satan or he's just bored."

"When did Sebastian learn to do that, anyways?"

"When the explosion went off," Isaac replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, which, to someone too simple minded to have noticed the sudden change in the definition of logic, it was.

Jake then noticed Sebastian summoning as much random stuff as he could in the corner, before suddenly hearing Ben screaming as loud as he can.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?", shouted Jake in the direction of the screams.

Out of the blue, someone landed on the ground in front of them, doing a hero pose as he did.

Christian was the first to notice who it was, "...What the… GAVIN?"

"Hey guys," Gavin responded, "...how did I get here?"

Maddy gave him an odd look, "What do you mean, where were you? We thought you were dead! Austin might be dead! Isaac's brain dead!"

"But Isaac's always been brain dead."

"Fair enough."

"Anyways, When the grenade went off I was watching Dragon Ball Z instead of working," Jake facepalmed at this part, as Gavin continued, "and when the screen exploded from the grenade, some of the monitor got inside of me and somehow gave me powers."

Isaac perked up, "Cool! What kind of powers?"

Gavin smirked, "This kind."

A golden aura flared up around Gavin, his hair standing up on end as rocks were lifted off from the ground by the surge in power.

"I'm a super saiyan now!" Gavin exclaimed, only a day with super powers and they had already gone to his head.

Most of the group stared at this new phenomenon in wonder. Isaac, however, watched with a completely blank look on his face, "Wait, is that something from that show you watch, Dragon… something… x?"

Most of the others rolled their eyes, it was a well known fact that Gavin frequently binge watched the show when he was supposed to be working, he only had a job because he was hard to replace, so most of them knew most of the show by heart, even the ones who hadn't been very familiar with it besides the name beforehand.

"Anyways," Gavin continued, "I can take it even higher!" he then began yelling at the top of his lungs, the golden aura returning as it surged even higher and bathed him in a ball of light. However, halfway through the overly dramatic transformation, one of the rocks launched in the air was propelled into Gavin, hitting him in the forehead and knocking him out of the power up as he clenched his head in pain.

"Owww…" Gavin said as he rubbed his head, "Why? Why would I get the strength of a super saiyan but not the resistance?"

Isaac spoke up, "I guess you could say he just got…" as he put on a pair of shades while the others braced for the impending bad pun, "stoned."

Christian groaned, "That pun…"

Suddenly, a portal to another dimension opened up above the group of misfits, and none other than Austin fell out of it.

"I swear," said Austin as he got back to his feet, "I thought that backpack was a parachute."\

Gavin, the only person who hadn't been around when Austin was presumed dead, and therefore the only person not currently stunned into silence, replied casually, "I know, sucks right?"

Maddy broke the silence of the others, "Austin! HOLY CRAP YOU'RE ALIVE!"

Austin looked back at her, suddenly realizing what it must have looked like to the others, "I was just falling from the building when something happened. A bright light flashed and I saw...everything. Every terrible thing the internet has produced. Every dank meme that could melt a steel beam! I saw it all!"

Realization dawned on Christian's face, "He must have been hit by whatever's in that grenade, the same thing that's been affecting us!"

Suddenly, random objects began falling out from the sky.

Isaac looked up with delight, "It's… it's… it's raining tacos!" unable to contain himself as he tried to catch them. A moment later, Gavin vanished in a poof of smoke, only to appear 50 feet above the ground and fall back down with a thud.

Everyone turned to look at Sebastian, who was scratching the back of his neck nervously, "I don't get it, everytime I try to summon Satan something else comes out instead."

Austin walked up to him and handed Sebastian a black bag, "Here, it has ground up brimstone and sulphur."

Sebastian opened up the bag, only to find it was filled with ground up coffee grinds.

Jake, tired with all the sidetracking, decided to attempt to be the voice of reason once more, "Can we just attack the prison already?"

"No!" shouted back Christian, "We… need… more… character development!"

With that last line, a shattering sound was heard in the distance.

Jake looked around, "What… was that?"

"Oh," Isaac replied calmly, "Christian just broke the fourth wall."

"Awesome!" exclaimed Ben.

"How is that even possible?" asked Gavin, dumbfounded.

With that, Austin turned to face the fourth wall, and threw a wrench at it, repairing it instantly. "Because logic"

Jake just stood there, confused about what life choices he made to get him here, and shed a single tear.

Meanwhile, Isaac had a flashback of working in the taco factory as a little boy and realized that the enemy company held his family hostage and forced him to work in said taco factory and was filled with sudden rage. Just as quickly, Isaac forgot what he was just thinking about, since his memory is only 3 seconds.

"So…" Gavin interjected, interrupting the others' internal musings, "Are we going to go save Nick or not? I'm bored just messing around here.

To emphasize his point, the golden aura flared up around Gavin again, indicating he was once more a super saiyan.

"Wait a minute…" Isaac said quizzically while looking at Gavin, "Aren't you already blonde, Gavin? Does going super saiyan even do anything for you?"

"Shut up!" Gavin retorted, then he muttered self consciously, "it makes me feel special…"

Just then Sebastian stepped in between them, adding, "I'll be ready as soon as I manage to summon Satan."

"Um, and how long is that going to take, exactly?" replied Gavin, remembering all of Sebastian's failed attempts so far.

Instead of responding, Sebastian simply raised his staff, again, and shouted "Keith Ramen Pancake!" as he brought it down.

There was, once more, a puff of smoke, and lo and behold, when it cleared Satan was actually there… naked… in a bathtub…

"GAH I'M NAKED HERE!" protested Satan as he attempted to cover himself up.

"Mm Mm good" said Ben creepily, rubbing his hands together as the others slowly backed away from him.

"Ew…" said a very disturbed Satan, "Sebastian just take your damn cyborg powers and leave me alone."

"YES!" shouted Sebastian in triumph as red and blue lights flashed around him with his newfound power, causing seizures in thousands of Japanese kids. Meanwhile, Satan took the opportunity to poof away, hoping he would never encounter the idiots again.

Among the others, who were in various stages of confusion, disgust, and shock, Isaac stood out as the only one who seemed disappointed, "I thought he was summoning pancakes…" he said sullenly.

"Wait just one minute," Gavin addressed Sebastian, "We went through that whole process, summoning tons of random people from who knows where, just so you could become a cyborg? And how did Satan already know you?"

"Ummm… no reason?" said Sebastian as he ran to hide behind Christian.

That was it! Gavin's very short patience had run out, and in a fit of rage his aura flared even higher, breaking the barrier into the level of super saiyan two, although visually none of the others could tell the difference.

"ALRIGHT ARE WE GOING OR NOT, WE'VE ALREADY HAD OVER 9000% CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!" Gavin shouted as loud as he could.

"Hey!" Isaac protested, "You can't say that! We've already used that meme!"

"Shhhhh!" Christian said as he placed a hand over Isaac's mouth, "We have to stop breaking the fourth wall."

Just then, a rock fell out of the sky, knocking Gavin out of his form.

Austin waited a moment, then when nobody beat him to the punch, began, "I guess you could say…"

"Don't say it," Gavin warned, "Don't you fucking say it."

But it was too late now, as Austin had already finished with, "his world got ROCKED"

"Goddamn it Austin," Gavin muttered under his breath.

"Oh god not the puns again…" Jake groaned as he facepalmed.

"I'll dish out a bit more PUNishment" responded Austin.

"Stop. Just. Stop."

"But I just got started…"

Meanwhile in the distance, three soldiers had located the idiots and locked onto them with a rocket launcher.

"Ready the launcher!"

"Done!"

"Fire!''

Suddenly, a missile shot towards the group headed straight for an unsuspecting FDR, who for unexplained reasons was still there, or so they fought.

FDR turned suddenly to face it head on, shouting, "I've learned a thing or two in the seventy years I've been dead, noobs, the wheels on my chair are 360 degrees!"

With that, two sniper rifles, both lacking scopes, emerged from the wheels of hs wheelchair and shot the missile out of the sky. Ben noticed this and suddenly stopped running, awe overtaking his former panic.

"That was so MLG…" he gasped.

"Huh…" exclaimed Jake, speaking for the rest of the group, "I did not see that one coming."

However, in the blink of an eye, FDR suddenly vanished into the sky without a trace.

"Okay," spoke up Christian after another moment of shock, "What in the world was that?"

"Oh," responded Isaac, the only one who seemed perfectly calm about the whole thing, "that was a talonflame."

"Sorry!" called out Sebastian from the back of the group.

"But… but… but… how?!" stuttered Christian.

"Isn't it obvious?" asked Isaac, "The talonflame outsped light itself, and with no light able to reflect off of it since it was too fast, it became invisible!"

"Well," spoke up Gavin, "That just happened."

"If he wasn't gone already I would totally commend him on his 360 no scope abilities," added Sebastian.

"True," Gavin conceded, "but we have more important things to do now. Let's go beat up the enemy corp!"

"Let's do this!" proclaimed the others, becoming motivated at long last.

"What's it called, anyways?" asked Sebastian.

"Well," Christian answered, "Since the name of it isn't conveniently written on the side of the building, I have no idea."

"Darn," muttered Isaac under his breath, "there goes the death note idea."

"Isaac," Gavin scolded him, "just because you wrote the words death note on a black journal, doesn't make it an actual death note. You didn't even spell it right, the word death has an a in it!

"Dang it! How come you're the only one who gets cool powers?"

"Hey! Every time I try to use them I get hit by a rock!"

"I don't care!"

Christian sighed and decided to change the subject before things could escalate further, "I don't get it… why would they build a taco shack on the side of the building? Isn't that a bit random?"

"Because," Isaac answered as if it wa the most obvious thing in the world, "if you control the world's taco supply you control everything, the world revolves around tacos."

Rather than bothering to address that, Christian just hit him in the back of the head.

"Nevermind why they did it, but we need a plan to get in, how do you guys think we should do it?"

Sebastian raised his hand, "I could summon something useful to help us."

"Nah, that never works."

"What if we quickscope all the guards and charge it with our Doritos and Mountain Dew?" asked Ben.

"Nah, too MLG"

"I could become a super saiyan," suggested Gavin.

"Nah, too many flying rocks."

"We could set off a small fire, then pretend to be firemen and sneak into the building." recommended Jake.

"Wait a minute...Fire trucks have 4 wheels and 8 people ride on them, 4+8=12, there are 12 inches in a ruler, Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, they named a ship after queen Elizabeth, ships are in the sea, fish are in the sea, people from Finland are known as Fins, finland and russia had a deathmatch on rust, Russia is red, Dimitri petrenko is a playable character in call of duty world at war, in call of duty the scopes are circles, pi is used to find the circumference of a circle, the first number in pi is 3, there are 3 sides on a triangle. Illuminati confirmed!" Isaac exclaimed as the others stared at him in varying degrees of annoyance.

With that, Gavin powers up back into a super saiyan, and slaps Isaac through a nearby wall, shouting after him, "God dammit Isaac. Now I should probably transform back so that I don't get nailed in the head by a-"

Unfortunately, it was already too late for Gavin, and he was hit by a rock from the wall he slapped Isaac through and leaving his super saiyan state.

"-rock"

"Well you could say his life..." began Sebastian as he put on sunglasses to finish the pun, "fell apart."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" shouted Gavin in frustration as he clutched his head in agony.

Christian sighed, they had spent the entire day doing… something… and no longer had the time to begin their attack.

"Alright guys," he said, "Let's try and get some sleep and begin tomorrow."

 _The next day…_

At the beginning of the next day, the rag tag group of mentally challenged former office workers had gathered once again before the building their boss was being held hostage in. But this day was different. This time, they were ready to begin their attack.

"Alright," began Austin, taking charge, "We'll divide into groups of two. Gavin and Sebastian will go one way, Christian and Jake another, and I'll go with Isaac to keep an eye on him.

"Wait," piped up Ben, "what about me."

"Don't worry," Sebastian answered, "I'll just summon someone to go with you."

And with that, Sebastian pointed his staff at Ben and shouted a few random words, and in a flash of light, a replica of Ben was standing next to him.

"Hello, I am B. E. N." spoke up what was now revealed to be a robot version of Ben.

"I get a robot me? Awesome!" Ben exclaimed.

"Dang it!" complained Isaac, "Why does everyone else get all the cool stuff?"

"Um, where is everyone else?" asked Gavin, realizing half of their fellow employees were unaccounted for.

"Oh," said Christian, "they were still asleep when we left, and since they were in different hotel rooms from us, I couldn't wake them up, so we just left without them."

"Seems legit. So where are me and Sebastian going?"

"To the lab where they test anti gravity rocks," was the response he got from Isaac, as if such things were completely normal.

"You're kidding me, right? You've got to be kidding me."

"Do you guys hate us or something?" added Sebastian.

"Oh," Isaac said, "I almost forgot, they've also been working with gene splicing techniques to make the rocks alive."

"How do you even know these things?!"

"Well," sighed Gavin, "Let's get this over with Sebastian. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll die a quick death."

With that, everyone headed off in their groups to head to the boss' room by the quickest route available

* * *

Austin and Isaac began searching the basement of the building, opening each prison cell and checking to see what was inside. After times doing this, the two arrived at a very… unusual room.

"Why is this cell block full of tall grass?" Isaac asked.

Before he could get an answer, a caterpillar appeared out of nowhere, causing Isaac to panic and, throw Austin at the tiny caterpillar, while shouting, "Austin, I choose you!"

"Wait, Isaac! It's just a… WHAA!" yelled Back Austin, as he fell onto the ground, crushing the caterpillar.

"We've won!", Isaac exclaimed happily.

"It's not over yet…" groaned Austin while he stood back up, and suddenly, the corpse of the caterpillar morphed into a giant nuclear bomb shelter. "H-h-how?! It evolved into a Nuclear Bomb Shelter. A. Nuclear. F #$ing Bomb Shelter! How do we even beat something like that?!"

"Well, this is going to take a while…", sighed Isaac.

* * *

Back with Christian and Jake, they found themselves suddenly in the middle of a forest.

Jake, realizing they were in a building mere seconds ago, asked, "How did we even get out here?"

Despite the fact that there was no obvious answer, a voice boomed through the forest as if it was the voice of God himself, speaking, "Through the magic of storytelling!"

* * *

Meanwhile in the antigravity rock lab with Sebastian and Gavin, Gavin was at a loss as to what to do.

"This room is filled with rocks! I'm afraid if I go super saiyan and enter they'll all fall on my head, what should we do?"

"Here," said Sebastian. "I'll summon some more robots".

As Gavin nodded, a robot of Isaac named I.S.A.A.C., and a robot of Christian named Christian 2.0 materialised, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Ok then, let's go!" proclaimed Gavin. "Wait… why is there a helix fossil in that vat of chemicals?", he asked after noticing a helix fossil in the room.

Christian 2.0 responded, in a voice sounding like Microsoft Sam, "Dave was experimenting to create the ultimate weapon."

Gavin gave Christian 2.0 a weird stare, and asked, "How in the world would you know that?"

I.S.A.A.C. was about to answer, but he instead turned towards a tank full of tacos being merged and diverted the conversation.

"No! We are too late! The God of Tacos is being formed!"

Right after I.S.A.A.C. stopped talking, a door slowly opened, revealing five scientists as they entered the room. One of the scientists remarked, "That was a long ritual! Worth it for the extra 15 minute smoke break, though."

Gesturing to Sebastian and the robots, Gavin urgently whispered "Hide! We can't afford to get caught!"

With that, all of them followed his moves and sneaked around, being careful not to make a sound. They ended up behind the Helix Fossil vat.

"Did you hear something?" one of the scientists asked.

"It was probably just a rock hitting the ground", answers another.

"What are we going to do?" asks Gavin, scared of a rock hitting him.

"I really don't know, sorry.", muttered Sebastian.

I.S.A.A.C. interjected, "We need to stop them from raising the taco god!"

"Right", proclaimed Gavin. But suddenly, a red light above the Helix Fossil began to flash, illuminating the dark room with its piercing light.

"What's going on?", a nervous Gavin yelled over the sudden blaring alarm signals.

"The creation of the Helix Fossil is done", I.S.A.A.C. announced, rather cryptically. "Now it must feed to become complete."

"What does it need to become complete?", inquired Sebastian.

"It needs to ingest robots, such as me, Christian 2.0 and B.E.N. Now, me and Christian have to hide or we will get eaten!", announced I.S.A.A.C. rather monotonously, as his programming was too limited to allow him to show emotions.

"Wait. So it's just like Cell?", Gavin asked after a brief thought.

I.S.A.A.C, with a confused look on his "face" asked, "What's a Cell?"

Gavin was about to respond, but a flying rock fell on his head. "Ouch!", yelled Gavin. "Where did that come from?"

"No time to ask that, look!" proclaimed Sebastian, looking at the Helix Fossil tank. It opened up, and the Helix disassembled the scientists into DNA strands before absorbing them completely.

"WHAT JUST HAPPENED? HEEEELP!" yelled one of the scientists before he was reduced into mere food for the Helix.

"Did that just happen? Do I even want to know how", asked Sebastian.

Gavin responded, "Yeah, and thanks to all my time watching shows with similar scenarios, I have an idea of who the fossil wants next", turning towards I.S.A.A.C. However, he realized the Helix Fossil was already on its way to him, floating as it prepared to consume the robot.

"Stop! You will not eat my robot brethren!", yelled Christian 2.0, almost sounding like a real human. However, that plea for help was useless, as the Helix just consumed I.S.A.A.C, and morphed into an Omanyte.

"Yeah, this is definitely like Cell", proclaimed Gavin. "If only I could go super against it, it would be dead! Why are my powers so limited?"

"At least you got powers!" retorted Sebastian.

"Dang it," cursed Christian 2.0, "We were just protocol droids, we were never designed for combat!"

"Are you fluent in over six million languages?" asked a suddenly interested Sebastian.

"Sebastian!" scolded Gavin, "now isn't the time for references, this is serious!"

"Says the one who tried to bring up its over 9000…" muttered Sebastian under his breath.

* * *

Meanwhile, back with Jake and Christian, they now found themselves in the middle of a scorching hot desert.

"How did… we even get here," asked a confused Jake. At this point, he really should've been questioning Christian's… less than optimal sense of direction, but after the day he'd had, that was the least of Jake's worries.

However, their luck was fated to get even worse, for in no more than minutes later, they found themselves atop a frigid cold mountain.

"Seriously, what in the world is going on?!" shouted Jake.

* * *

Back with Ben and B.E.N., they had found themselves incredibly lost, although not nearly on the same scale as Jake and Christian.

"What do we do?", asked Ben. But before the robot had a chance to answer, the Omanyte teleported, primed and ready to claim its next victim.

"Who's that?", asked a distressed Ben.

Omanyte replied in a very calm voice, "On the eleventh day I rose in accordance with the scriptures and was proclaimed by my prophet Bird Jesus to renounce the evils of the Dome."

"...what?" Ben asked, before Omanyte made its move, causing him to scream, "No, STOP!", as Omanyte attacked B.E.N, but it ate the robot before Ben could stop it. After absorbing B.E.N.'s essence, Omanyte evolved into Omastar, because logic. You know what? No. I'm not even going to try to explain how this happened, it just did. "Finally! I. AM. A GOD!", exclaimed Omastar, unable to resist the urge to monologue about his new triumph.

"What the hell? Who are you?" Ben yelled, dumbfounded about what had just happened.

"I am Omastar! The perfect life form!", laughed Omastar, floating above Ben menacingly.

"Okay? But what are you doing here", inquired Ben, still not understanding, although to be fair, not many people would understand something like that.

"I am going to consume your life force to grow stronger! After that, who cares what I'll do, I'll do whatever I want!", proclaimed Omastar. Suddenly, Omastar morphed into a Pac-Man like creature, and started chasing Ben.

"SHIT! RUN!", yelled Ben at the top of his lungs.

* * *

Back with Gavin and Sebastian, they found themselves at a loss what to do.

"So, what do we do now?', asked Sebastian.

"I have no idea.", replied Gavin.

But suddenly, the roof above them both started to crack, and a huge chunk fell on Gavin.

"Why me?", whined Gavin.

Meanwhile Austin and Isaac emerged from the rubble, as Isaac asked "Did we win?"

"No!", barked back Austin, "This bomb shelter seems indestructible!"

Austin fired a giant rocket at the shelter, and with that cracked and seemingly about to break.

"Yes! Only one more hit and it will be broken!", yelled Isaac triumphantly.

But suddenly, the bomb shelter repaired itself, almost magically.

Sebastian, seeing the endless (and pointless, they really didn't need to fight an inanimate object), said, "Well, that just happened. Let's go, Gavin. This battle isn't gonna end anytime soon."

"Pain… everything's in pain…" Gavin whined as he clutched his head, following Sebastian to explore other parts of the building.

Austin and Isaac groaned as they kept firing rockets at the shelter.

A few minutes of walking around later, Gavin noticed that the room they were in earlier no longer had the Helix Fossil. "Ok, we made it past the room, but the Helix Fossil isn't here. Where do we go now?"

"I don't know", Sebastian responded. "Let's just go on ahead and try to get to the boss. We can deal with the Omanyte later."

"True. He isn't a threat at all. He's just a dumb fossil Pokemon people worship for no reason.", said Gavin.

"Gavin… Omastar is a rock type.", Sebastian replied, with a snarky tone.

"On second thought, if that _thing_ comes back… hide me."

With that they entered yet another seemingly empty room, except for a single rock lying on the floor in the middle. As Gavin moved to pick it up, the rock levitated above the ground, eyes becoming visible as it glared at Gavin, shaking its fist angrily.

"Oh great," swore Gavin, "A geodude, just my luck."

"Geodude?" asked Sebastian.

"A rock type pokemon, of course, because naturally my weakness would be everywhere we go."

"Well crap"

"Geo geo geodude!," Shouted the Geodude as rocks seemed to materialize out of nowhere in its hand, which it then threw at Gavin.

"Run!" shouted Gavin as he turned around and began to flee.

However, the Geodude raised its arms and a cascade of rocks appeared from nowhere, blocking Gavin.

"Why does he want to kill us?" asked Sebastian.

"I don't know but I have an idea. Can you try to summon Satan again?"

"I can try."

Suddenly, the Geodude disappeared in a flash of grey and red.

"It didn't work!" cursed Sebastian.

"Yes it did," replied Gavin, "I knew it wouldn't work and it would summon a Talonflame again. The Talonflame took the Geodude away so we won"

* * *

 _Meanwhile back with Austin and Isaac_

Isaac looked up to the heavens (or, in this case, the hole in the ceiling he had previously fallen through), proclaiming, "It wouldn't die if, only my lord were here. Where is Lord Helix when you need him?"

Quite suddenly, the Omastar appeared out of nowhere, destroying the Nuclear Bomb Shelter. Isaac, taking this as a sign from the heavens, immediately crossed himself and knelt on the ground, praying.

"Our helix," muttered Isaac reverently, "Who art in "ITEM", hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in PC as it is in "ITEM", give us this day our daily struggle, and forgive us our "democracy" votes, as we forgive those who vote "democracy" against us, and lead us not over ledges, but deliver us from Eevee, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory for ever and ever, now is not the time to use that."

The entire time, Austin simply stared at Isaac as if he had gone mad. However, this wasn't the case. Isaac had already gone crazy years ago.

* * *

Meanwhile, back with Gavin and Sebastian (and Christian 2.0, but that isn't important right now), something… interesting was happening.

"WHY ARE ALL THE LIGHTS FLASHING NOW?!" shouted Gavin over the noise of the room.

"The taco god is rising!" responded Christian 2.0, "Prepare for a fight!"

The container Gavin and Sebastian had been standing before, which they had found in yet another room deep within the heart of the building, began to open. Out of it emerged the god of tacos in all of his glory. In short, he was a man, made entirely out of tacos.

"Tacos, tacos, tacos rule!" proclaimed the newborn "god".

"Dear god," exclaimed Gavin, "He's almost as annoying as Isaac! How is that even possible?"

His only response, if it could be called that, was the taco god repeating the word "taco" over and over again. Finally, Gavin couldn't take it any more.

"Shut… the… f #$... up!" he shouted as he spin kicked the Taco God into a wall.

The Taco God got back to its tacoy (yes, that is a word now, glorious, isn't it?) feet, clearly in pain. However, he merely summoned tacos to heal himself.

"Dammit all," Sebastian cursed, "he can heal! Why can major villains always do that?"

The taco god began to grow, getting larger and larger. One of its arms changed into what looked like a gun, which it shot at Gavin, trapping him inside a taco shell.

"Crap!" swore Gavin, "Well, good luck, Sebastian."

"But, how do I even beat him?"

Suddenly seeing something and immediately changing subjects, Gavin looked up and shouted, "Oh no it's a spider! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

Sebastian, seeing the spider, proceeds to summon a flamethrower on his first try, spraying everything with fire, including the Taco God.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted the Taco God, "MY ONLY WEAKNESS! FIRE!"

As the Taco God melted away, Sebastian freed Gavin from the taco shells.

"You fools," Isaac said to them.

"What the?" Gavin asked, "Where were you? And what are you talking about?"

"The Taco God is still alive, and now it has fused with Lord Helix to become the ultimate being in the universe!"

"What would a fusion of those even look like?"

Isaac shrugged, and Austin raised a hand to offer an explanation, "it assimilated the helix fossil into itself and completed its transformation into Dave."

"Oh," Isaac added, "and Omastar ate one of the tacos and transformed into Cell."

"I knew it, I knew it was just like Cell!" Gavin shouted, rubbing his hands together, "I've been waiting for an opportunity like this. But there were two helix fossils?! How is that even possible? I thought there could only be one true god, if what the internet says is true."

"The Omastar created here that has become Cell is from our universe, known in the multiverse as Universe Red. The helix fossil the taco god absorbed was brought here by the owner of this fortress from a place known as Universe Blue."

"Isaac how do you know this?" asked Austin, "I didn't even know you had a brain, much less a functioning one."

"Oh, I have one, it's just full of useless knowledge."

"So basically," Gavin continued, trying to wrap his head around all this, "the multiverse functions like a bunch of pokemon games apparently… but seriously guys where is Cell? I'm hyped already, and I don't even care how this was possible."

"Well, if my knowledge of how this was planned is correct, Dave should be somewhere down this hallway."

"And Cell?"

"Right behind you," a new voice spoke up, "You idiots all seem pathetic. Beating you would like be fighting a chubby baby."

Normally, an insult like this would have little effect on someone. However, given Gavin's short fuse, he was triggered instantly, replying, "WHY YOU! Fine I'll make it like the show. I'm just that strong." promptly forgetting even though he wa strength, endurance was another matter entirely.

Gavin flared his aura until sparks flew in the air, signifying he was now a super saiyan two, and flew directly at Cell, turning briefly to the others and telling them, "You guys go after DAVE. I'll handle Cell."

"Right," Isaac repeated, "let's go find DAVE and use the power of internet memes to beat him." leading the others out of the area and after where they thought Dave was.

Gavin cracked his knuckles, "So, shall we begin?"

"Fine," answered Cell, "You little pest, you can't possibly beat me, I'm the perfect life form."

"You've gotta be the third person to say that today."

* * *

Meanwhile with all the others, barring Christian and Jake, who were still lost, they were following a trail of taco meat left behind by Dave.

"So where did Dave go?" asked Isaac as they split up to cover more ground.

* * *

 _Back with Gavin and Cell_

"You forget!" shouted Cell as he raised an arm, "I am not the same as the Cell you remember from your TV show. I was once an Omastar, and I still have that power! Now, stealth rock!"

And with that, a barrage of pointed stones surrounded Gavin in the air, preventing him from moving for fear of being hurt.

"Now you'll never escape my labyrinth of floating rocks!"

"Oh great, now what? If I move a muscle, I'll get nailed in the head… again."

"Fear not," interjected a new voice which had previously gone unnoticed, "I'll defeat this Cell."

"What the?!" shouted Cell, "What in the world are you? How are you even talking?"

In that moment, Isaac stumbled back into the room, looked around, and remarked, "How is the nuclear bomb shelter still alive? Impossible!"

"Max Revive, noobs!" the Nuclear Bomb shelter responded to him… somehow.

"Lord Helix I hate my life!"

"Isaac!," Gavin shouted at him, "how did you get here? I thought you were following DAVE."

"Oh, I got lost."

"But it's a perfectly straight hallway with no doors on either side!" yelled an exasperated Cell, "How can you be that dumb?"

* * *

Meanwhile Jake and Christian had found themselves atop yet another mountain, this one entirely different. Out of the blue, an enormous being of tacos emerged behind them, booming at them, "Hello there, you shall be the first to witness the power of Dave!"

"Okay then…" responded Jake.

* * *

 _Back with Gavin and Cell, yet again_

The Nuclear bomb shelter spoke again, somehow, boasting, "noobs, I'll beat him with my quickscope skills."

"But." questioned Gavin, "you don't have any arms."

"I'm part saiyan, when I was defeated I became stronger, even my vocal cords that's how I can talk."

Despite the obvious insanity in this statement, Gavin had seen far stranger things created by the scientists in the building, and responded, "Seems legit, but you have no arms!"

"Racist, I don't need arms."

"WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME RACIST OVER NOTHING?!"

"Hey!" interjected Cell, "are we going to fight or not, I'm getting bored." And, without waiting for a response, Cell lunged at the Nuclear Bomb Shelter, only for it to completely sidestep his attack.

"How did you do that?!"

"Because bitch, I'm the best MLG fighter there is."

Meanwhile, Gavin was desperately trying to escape the rocky minefield, but no no avail, he simply could not move. "Isaac!" he cried out, "Come on, help me out of here!"

"Okay!" Isaac eagerly replied before pausing briefly, "But how?"

"I dunno, try pulling the rocks away until there's a hole big enough for me to crawl through."

"Kay. got it!"

One by one Isaac ripped the rocks surrounding Gavin away, until eventually there was a hole big enough for Gavin to escape.

"Okay," Gavin sighed, "Cell and the Nuclear Bomb Shelter are busy, so let's try and follow the others."

Suddenly, the sound of an ice cream truck approaching was heard in the distance, and soon enough they saw it approaching a gaping hole that had formed in the wall during the fight.

"Wait a minute," exclaimed Gavin, "We've been on ground level this entire time, what is this place?!"

The ice cream truck's door opened wide as it reached the room, a person, who they soon saw was Christian, shouted, "Isaac, get in!" and without waiting for his response Christian dragged Isaac into the truck, which hadn't slowed down at all during the whole thing, as it sped on into the distance.

So…" Jake, who was sitting in the driver's seat, began, "after getting lost and wandering aimlessly this entire time, we got attacked by someone named dave"

"So we stole an ice cream truck," Christian continued.

"And we've been driving it around ever since."

"WAIT!" cried out Gavin in the distance, "you're leaving me behind, but it was no use, the ice cream truck had already driven out of earshot as it approached another section of what was now seen as a massive complex.

* * *

 _With Austin and Sebastian_

"Hey Sebastian," Austin asked, "where do you think Isaac ran off to?"

He didn't have to wait long to receive his answer, as quite suddenly an ice cream truck burst through the walls, and they heard the distinct sound of Jake's voice shouting, "Dammit Isaac, stop trying to steer the truck, look at what you've done. I don't care that there's a taco tuesday event at your favorite restaurant, this is serious!"

Isaac, who hadn't really been paying attention to Jake's scolding (or anything really) noticed Austin and Sebastian, "Hey guys, jump in!" And with that they left the complex behind them, driving into the distance.

It took a full ten minutes for one of them to realize something was wrong.

"Hey, where's Gavin?" Sebastian asked.

"Oh, we left him behind," Isaac replied casually.

Jake sighed and told Christian to stop the van as they found themselves in the middle of a grassy field.

"Come on!" cursed Jake, "I knew I shouldn't have let Christian drive! Where are we this time?"

Completely out of the blue, they suddenly saw Joey walk up to them from the field, saying, "Hey guys! You wouldn't believe what's happened me in the past two days! Now I'm Prince Joey, the Prince of all Idiots, and I have a one in five chance of killing myself."

There was a brief pause, and before anyone could speak up to ask how any of this was possible, Joey tripped, despite the fact that he had been standing still, and fell face first into the grass, drowning in the process. Satan, who Sebastian had managed to summon after quite a few failed attempts in the van, immediately took credit and began teabagging the body while the others watched in utter confusion. As suddenly as he had died, Joey then spontaneously resurrected and stood back on his feet, completely unharmed once more.

"Wow," Joey remarked while grinning at the others, "I guess a cell's mitochondria really IS a powerhouse of the cell!"

And, having said one extra sentence, Joey began choking and collapsed once more, dying of pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. (yes, that is a real thing. Some place, somewhere that exists. Because at this point, why not)

"So…" Isaac began, "what now?"

"I don't know Isaac," replied a dumbfounded Sebastian, "I don't know. I'm not sure if I know anything any more."

And, right before their eyes, Joey revived once again, only to get mauled by a squirrel.

"You know," remarked Jake, "I'm starting to think his chance of killing himself is a bit higher than 1 in 5…"

"Oh Jake," Isaac said, " with Prince Joey a 1 in 5 is really a 6 in 5 chance."

* * *

 _Back with Gavin_

"Well, it's been fun," remarked Cell, "but it's time for you to die. Now to use another ability from Omastar, HYDRO PUMP!"

"Aw Hell no!" interjected the undersized Nuclear Bomb shelter, as it jumped in front of Cell's multi franchise attack, defecting it with apparent ease.

"Yet another lucky shot" Cell muttered under his breath, _I can't believe I'm losing to a fucking building. But then again, I'm a pokemon that morphed into a Dragon Ball villain. Today hasn't exactly been normal. But then again, who am I to judge, I wasn't even born yesterday! Wait a minute, I don't need logic… if I can't beat it normally, i'll just use random powers I conveniently held off until this very moment!_

Throwing away his sanity in order to gain an upper hand, Cell produced a Cell Jr. and immediately threw it at the insolent building that dared oppose him, shouting, "Cell Jr., I choose you!" for added effect.

Cell didn't know what he expected to happen following that random outburst, but it certainly wasn't what actually happened. The shelter, rolling with what had happened as if it was perfectly natural, responded in kind, with a "Go, Tactical Nuke!"

"Oh god," Gavin said to himself as he watched the whole scene play out, "I've gotta get out of here, and fast!"

On the other side of the room, Cell was yelling frantically at his spawn to dodge the atomic warhead- after all, just because he was a replica of the original Cell didn't necessarily make him nuke proof, and Cell wasn't willing to find that out the hard way- but the newborn simply rushed it head on, oblivious to the impending doom.

And suddenly, the world was illuminated in blinding light.

* * *

 _Back with the others_

At this point, the others had gathered to watch the spectacle of their resurrecting friend, and Isaac question of "What are we doing right now?" went entirely ignored as they bore witness to Joey resurrected once again, this time as an angel, only immediately to be killed by an ambulance, which then tea bagged him for added effect before speeding off, somehow.

"Ah" Isaac commented in a sagely manner, "Here we witness two magnificent creatures in their natural habitat."

"One of them isn't an animal Isaac" Austin replied.

"Here we witness the wild ambulance in its natural habitat."

"..."

"Goddam it Isaac."

Their odd source of entertainment was interrupted when a flash of light blared from the direction of the complex, followed by a distinct mushroom cloud in the horizon.

They stared, horror apparent on most of their faces. All except for one.

"I didn't know it was the Fourth of July" Isaac remarked in a dejected manner, "Now i'll miss out on the parties.

The others stared at him, Jake twitching uncontrollably as Isaac pulled the last straw, "THAT WAS A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION!"

"...well that seems a bit extreme for a firework."

"THAT'S NOT A FIREWORK!"

Ben raised his hand to stop Jake, "Let me handle this," and, addressing Isaac, "That was the sound of a 25 killstreak having been reached."

"Ohhhh… it all makes sense now, the person who set it off must have been really MLG."

Jake did a double take, "Wait how did you get here Ben, weren't you somewhere else?"

"Oh I mixed Doritos and Mountain Dew to create an explosion to launch myself onto the ice cream truck before it went through the portal."

Jake sighed, "I've given up on logic a long time ago."

He looked back in the direction of the ominous cloud, the sounds of someone screaming in pain, who sounded alarmingly like Gavin, just now registering in his ears.

"Uhhh…" began Christian, "should we help him?"

"Nah," Austin responded, "he'll be fine in a few hours."

Gavin collapsed in front of them, panting heavily and covered in burn marks. He laid there, recovering, before tentatively raising himself back to his feet.

"Don't worry guys, I'll be fine, 'tis just a flesh wound. I've had worse."

"Sure you have."

"I heard that! Anyways, now that I'm definitely recovered and in no need of a doctor to be treated for radiation poisoning whatsoever, let's go back and beat Cell!"

"Uh guys…" Christian cut in, "there's just one problem…"

There, on the rocky outcrop, stood the one character you probably forgot about after his debut, Dave. The taco based monstrosity jumped off its perch to stand in front on the group, posed to strike.

"I've finally found you, prepare to be eliminated."

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in the nest of talonflames, which exists for reasons no man alive can still remember._

Mr. Hale looked around, realizing for the second time that day he had no idea where he was, spoke the obvious, "Where are we?"

"This is starting to scare me," Professor Oak added, "we've been here for a while."

FDR looked around at the others, "Don't worry, there is nothing to fear but fear itself."

Mr. Hale rolled his eyes, "That doesn't help anything."

Oak paused for a moment, the professor seemingly in deep thought, then looked pointedly in the distance, "Can you feel it? There's a battle going on right now, we need to help!"

"Well yeah, we're watching it on this tv right now."

And true to his word, there was a tv operating perfectly in the enormous nest, broadcasting the Idiots getting beaten around by Dave.

"It's so much better than my old radio!" FDR added.

But Oak had made up his mind, there would be no stopping him now, "I'm going to help."

"Why?" asked Mr. Hale, "there's nothing we can do."

"Wait," called FDR, " let me come too, I must teach them in the ways of MLG, after all I was MLG before it even existed."

And so, the two old men, one of which should have died seventy years ago, left to help our mentally challenged protagonists.

* * *

Back with the main group, Austin had climbed into the ice cream truck and was rummaging around in it while Jake crouched nearby, the others being knocked around by Dave not too far off.

Austin paused as he noticed something off, and turned to Jake as the latter ducked to avoid a stray taco flying over his head, "where did you find this ice cream truck anyways?"

"Near some military base, why do you ask?"

Without bothering to explain, Austin simply pressed a few buttons, then pulled an inconspicuous hatch and climbed into the giant ice cream cone on top, wheeling it around face Dave, the pointed end suspiciously like the barrel of a gun.

"Well that's a Deus Ex Machina if I've ever seen o-"

Whatever Jake was about to say next was cut off by Austin's battle cry of, "EAT MOLTEN LEAD!" followed by a barrage of bullets that tore through Dave, shredding him apart. It was futile however, the tacos that made up his body merely rippling and duplicating to cover up what was destroyed.

"You fools!" Dave boomed, "I am a god!"

"A delicious god." Isaac added.

What followed to say the least, was an absolute slaughter. Gavin powered up and charged the beast, only to get slapped through a mountain. Talonflames sweeped from the sky as Isaac shouted nonsense at his foe, Gavin changing hairstyles and finally colors to combat Dave, while the others tried various other strategies, but nothing seemed to be working. Had their dumb luck finally run out? Had the logical outcome in an illogical world prevailed. But alas, 'twas not to be. Austin had withheld the greatest cliche of all, the ultimate weapon capable of destroying anything, only to be withheld until the last possible moment.

"We cannot defeat you?" he called out to his invulnerable opponent, as Dave shook off Christian and Maddy, while Joey lunged, missed, and plunged into a ravine, to face this newest pest, "more like you can't beat us, behold!"

And with a dramatic gesture, Austin reached into his pocket to reveal a multi colored prism, Dave recoiling in horror at the sight at this conveniently never before mentioned weapon.

"NO! Anything but that!"

"It's too late, the prism hungers for the blood of gods!"

"NOOOOOOOO!"

The prism began to glow with a multicolored aura, and with that Dave's head burst in an explosion not unlike that of the Death Star. But before the bruised alliance could celebrate, it simply regrew back on his body, revealing an entirely unharmed, smug Dave.

"You fool!" Dave announced once more, "I cannot be killed"

"He's right," Isaac said as he backed up, "he's way too big to be eaten."

They were interrupted by the sound of a muffled gunshot, a sniper bullet piercing through Dave's skull.

"You're no match for the power of MLG!" FDR exclaimed as an annoyed Dave spun to face him, the bullet wound easily repairing itself as he did so, "Oak, do it now."

Dave tensed, searching to the professor, but reacted too late. A pokeball soared through the air, bursting open and trapping the taco god within with a flash of red light.

Professor Oak walked calmly up to the ball, smiling as he offhandedly commented, "Great. Now then, time to give this to a ten year old child."

When he had crossed half the distance the ball was thrown, it cracked once, then twice, then burst open in a flash of clear light, revealing an unscathed, if very annoyed, Dave.

"Dammit" Austin cursed, "How in the Dome are we supposed to beat a guy like this?"

Isaac just grinned, a sudden confidence about him, "Don't worry, we've already won."

Gavin looked at him as he pulled himself out of the most recent hole he'd been punched into, "wait a minute, how?"

And just like that, a series of landmines, planted by Jake and Ben, who had conveniently been forgotten for the duration of the fight, detonated below Dave.

Dave stumbled a bit, coughing as his lower body was ripped apart, then merely regenerated once more, eying them incredulously, "Did you honestly think that would work?"

"Nope!" Isaac exclaimed cheerfully, "But this will!"

Before anyone could ask what "this" was- really things like this were starting to become a trend- a volcano erupted in the spot where the land mines had detonated, covering Dave in lava.

" Now each time you regenerate you'll just melt again! You've lost, Dave."

"And just for good measure!" Gavin threw in as Dave tried to pull himself from the lava, slapping the distorted god back into the pooling magma, "there! That makes us even!"

"No! No! Noooooooooooooooooo!"

Then, in one dramatic surge, Dave began to sink into the lava, melting into it the way one sinks into quicksand on a cartoon or tv show. His taco body did its best to heal itself, but to no avail, and soon the great god of tacos was no more.

The rest of the ragtag group stared at Isaac, a new respect in their eyes, even if only temporary. Chrstian spoke for the rest of them, "How did you do that Isaac? Aren't you an idiot?"

"Oh, you see, I knew since mountains are over fault lines, a big enough explosion would move them enough to make a volcano."

"But how did you even figure that out?" Jake asked.

"Remember, my brain is filled with random, practically useless facts."

Gavin raised his hand, trying to get the others' attention, "Hey, I helped too!"

Sebastian looked slightly disappointed, muttering, "but I wanted to summon Satan…" The response to this, of course being a resounding "NO!" from everyone but Isaac, who mumbled something about wanting more Talonflames.

Just then, Joey revived once more, and after a minute he realized they were no longer in a fight, turned to the others, asking, "So what did I miss?"

Christian sighed. This was going to be a long journey. Why couldn't he get paid for this?

 _Next time on Idiots! Did nick survive the explosion? Was that truly the end of_ _Dave_ _? And will there be any more idiots to join the gang? Find out in Chapter 2, The End and the New Stupidity! Next time on Idiots!_


End file.
